Do you have a perfect family that is just super accepting, wildly supportive and celebrates you exactly as you are? Is your family open-minded, direct in their communication, clear in their boundaries, and emotionally mature?
Oh. Hmm no? Not so much?
It would be nice if we all were lucky enough to have that kind of family to visit for the holidays. You probably know that one friend who loooooves spending time with their parents, who talks to their mom or dad like every day for no reason, just to say hi. She can’t wait to go home for Christmas. Unrelatable, amirite?
The rest of us need to know how to deal with toxic, narcissistic, difficult, confusing, depressing, and just plain messy family vibes. So let’s discuss.
Before we do, I have a couple of preface comments.
First, some of my forthcoming suggestions cost money, and I understand that not everyone has the means to implement them. I just want to acknowledge that. Not all of my suggestions are going to work for everyone. Secondly, when you’re the first or only person to set boundaries or make a different choice in a dysfunctional family, you may be seen as the problem. I’m sorry about that. There’s really no magic solution. Your reward is the peace that comes from protecting yourself with healthy boundaries. Sometimes families eventually get on board with the new way of doing things, or at least some members of the family follow suit. Consider working with a therapist to help you navigate any fallout.
Okay, let’s get into it. How can we deal with dysfunctional family during the holidays? Here are some options.
- Just don’t. As in, don’t deal. With any of them at all. If you are an adult, you have choices. You do not have to spend time with difficult or unpleasant people, even if you share DNA with them. Do something else. You can go home with your best friend and visit her nice family instead. You can volunteer at a shelter, book a trip to Cancun, stay home and binge all of the Lord of the Rings movies, whatever. It’s your life. Your family may have feelings about your choice, but you are still allowed to make it.
- Visit, but don’t sleep in your family’s home. You want to make an appearance at the Christmas Eve family gathering, but you don’t want to be stuck all day, all night, all morning, all day, and all night again at your parents’/grandparents’/aunt’s/cousin’s house. Maybe it’s so you can gracefully exit when Uncle Jim starts getting a little too lit and a little too weird. Maybe it’s because you want to smoke a bowl before bed and you can’t do that at Grandma’s house. This might be the year to check out the hometown Motel 6. Got a guilt-trippy family member who apparently wants you to stay with them real bad? Say it with me: “That’s so kind of you to offer, but we are just more comfortable having our own space.” If you’re in a major metro area, you probably don’t even need a car; you can rideshare or take public transit, or you may be able to hitch a ride to and fro from a generous family member.
- Play Family Dysfunction Bingo. Maybe not literally. (Or… maybe?) Go in with a mental – or actual – list of the messed up stuff you know is coming. Annoying habits, inappropriate phrases, offensive terms, horrifying political takes (Covid conspiracies, anyone?), bad food… you name it! Put it on your list or bingo card. Instead of, “God, I just really hope Aunt Jane doesn’t have another unhinged racist rant this year,” try, “Every time Dad calls my girlfriend my “roommate” I get 10 points!” I mean, they’re gonna do it. Might as well gamify.
- When it gets weird, act confused. As one of the braver choices, you can use this when someone says something sexist, racist, transphobic, lowkey rude or passive-aggressive. Example: Grandpa says, “…and then I was cut off by this lady in a Honda Civic. But you KNOW how women drivers are.” So you respond, “Huh? What do you mean Grandpa? HOW are women drivers?” Watch him squirm. Or, at least he’ll have to say the quiet part out loud and own his misogyny.
- Take breaks from the nonsense. Hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that this is a temporary situation, and soon you will be back in your own home watching something that isn’t Fox News or a Hallmark channel movie. Do a five minute guided meditation. If it’s not freezing outside, go for a short walk. Step into another room to call your bestie who “is having a crisis and just really needs you right now.” Offer to run an errand like a trip to the corner store to get more sodas.
- Leave. Not for a break, but for the day/night. Walk or roll yourself out the front door. (Again, this requires that you’re not sleeping in the same building as the family gathering.) Give yourself permission to get the hell out of there once you’re over it. If you need to fake a headache, a stomach issue, or a work crisis, it’s okay. I’m not going to shame you for lying. But, listen, you’re also allowed to just be ready to go. You can say, “Thanks for a lovely time, but I’m tired and ready to go rest.”
Additional tips:
- Manage your vices well. This is not the time to quit things, or to try new drugs for the first time. The big family holiday gathering is not the day to give up vaping, for example. Nicotine withdrawal and family dysfunction do not make a great combo. It is also not the day to slam tequila shots, or smoke yourself into oblivion. Moderation is key. Stay in the zone of sanity. You may feel the urge to get completely numb (understandable) but doing so will likely lead to problems, not solutions.
- Try to get your sleep. I know, it’s a boring, tired piece of advice. But one of the worst things we do to ourselves is convince ourselves that IT’S FINE!!! to operate on a sleep deficit. It’s not fine. There is just no substitute for sleep. It’s pretty simple. If you don’t get enough (7 to 9 hours, consistently), you will feel bad. Feeling bad makes dealing with annoying, difficult family a lot harder. Sleep = Good. Sleep.
- Consider taking a wingperson. We often include our partners at these things, but if you don’t have one (or even if you do), you could invite a friend who wants to avoid their own family. You’d be doing each other a solid. Having an outsider present sometimes puts people on good behavior. And even if your family members’ antics aren’t positively impacted by your friend’s presence, you might feel better just having a witness to the chaos. (And, you can play Family Dysfunction Bingo together!) Maybe next year you can return the favor as their wingperson, and avoid this situation altogether.
- Remember your “Why.” Eww. I just wrote that, and I realize it reads like a bad inspirational poster from The Office. I’m sorry. I just want you to remember you do have reasons for putting yourself through this family nonsense. Maybe you actually love and care for one or more of these people, or you have a sense of duty and moral obligation that leads you to participate. Maybe you just don’t want everyone talking shit about you if you skip it. Perhaps you’re just really hoping to stay in the family will. Regardless, your reason for being there is probably not “to have a super fun time.” You might have fun, if you’re lucky, but that’s not the motivator nor the expectation. Focus on the real reasons and just try to get through unscathed.
You got this. I hope there is something in here that will make your holiday season just a little bit easier. I’m rooting for you.