You’ve made it through the minefield that is the family holiday season. 2025 is arriving, and as usual, everywhere you go (physically or virtually) you’re told that January’s start must usher in a fresh, new beginning for you as well. Soon, the gyms will be packed, spending will be low, sobriety will be high (pun intended), and most folks will be on their best behavior. For a couple of weeks, anyway.
And I am not against New Year’s resolutions. Jan 1 can be a powerful springboard for finally quitting or starting something. But it’s got to be a change that really aligns well for you. I’m also 100% supportive of making zero changes at the start of the year! As you’ll see below, sometimes that’s just where you are, and that’s okay.
In order to be successful, we first need to be real with ourselves and ask a few questions:
Do I actually want to make this change?
First, ask yourself, is this New Year’s resolution something you truly want? Not because you think you “should,” or because someone else expects it of you. Not because your mom is bugging you, or because of societal expectations, or because a younger version of you wanted it. But, is it in line with who you are and truly want to be now, considering your values, goals, personality, abilities, and true desires? Be honest with yourself, because all changes come with loss or sacrifice. If you don’t actually want it, you’re not going to tolerate the cost. And if you don’t really want it, let that be okay. This is especially important to explore with yourself if you are recovering from abusive environments or high-control religion.
Is this change a priority right now?
Sometimes changes feel too difficult because it’s not the right time. Your change may be something you do really want, but in reality, you have about 75 other things that are simply more important at this time. We are led to believe that if we just try hard enough, we can do anything and everything. But there are only 24 hours in the day, and we humans only have so much emotional and physical bandwidth as well. If you’re a full-time student with a full-time job and a commitment to a good night’s sleep, or you’re a mom of a toddler and an infant who runs a business (you, not the infant, lol), maybe training for a marathon, dating, or even just giving up Diet Coke is simply not a priority right now. That’s okay. You’re doing important things. You can’t do all of the important things all at the same time.
Is this change too much to do all at once?
Many resolution-makers, sick of their own nonsense and ready to embrace a new era of self, have said, “THAT’S IT, I’M GETTING HEALTHY!” And with that, on Jan 1 they join a gym, start jogging every morning, give up alcohol, weed and coffee, and start following a structured diet that requires them to plan and prep all of their meals. For the vast majority of people, this will fail spectacularly within a few weeks. No one likes to hear that. (I’m sure some manosphere meathead would call that “loser mentality.”) We want to believe that determination and willpower will carry us through. But we mere mortals just can’t successfully change everything at once. In reality, you’re more likely to radically change your life if you decide to change one small habit each month for a year. If you’re expecting your changes to stick, I do not recommend going “cold turkey” on multiple habits simultaneously.
Am I ready to make a change?
How do you know if you’re ready to take on your New Year’s Resolution? Let’s take a look at this in more detail, by assessing where you are in the Stages of Change.
Stages of Change?
We generally don’t just wake up one day and take action on a problem out of nowhere. So, ask yourself where you are in the change process:
- Pre-contemplation: This is the period of time before you even acknowledge the problem exists. Think: guy with a drinking problem, who is in total denial. If you’re even considering a New Year’s resolution, you’re already past this stage for your particular issue.
- Contemplation: You know you have a problem to solve, or on some level wish for a change, but you’re not ready to do anything about it. Maybe you’re not sure if change is actually possible, you don’t know how to make it happen, or you’re skeptical as to whether the benefits are worth the costs.
- If you’ve never heard of these stages before (or even if you have), you’ve probably done some serious self-loathing in the contemplation stage. It can be very frustrating and confusing to want to change, but somehow feel stuck. Practice compassion toward yourself, and remember that change takes time. Contemplation is a necessary stop on the way to taking action.
- If this is where you find yourself, Jan 1 may not be a realistic time to make your change, and that’s okay. (There’s no law against making a change on Feb 1!) Instead, consider the pros and cons of making your change. It may help to get honest about the sacrifices and losses required, so you can actively let go and move forward. It’s also helpful to outline all the specific positives you expect from your desired change.
- Preparation: In this stage, you’ve definitely decided you’re going to make a change and are feeling pretty ready. Now you start actively figuring out how. You’re doing research, gathering resources, bringing in supports, and generally creating a strategy.
- If you’re in preparation mode, you might be feeling ready, but check in with yourself as to what you specifically need to get set up for success. Do you have support, resources, time, space and energy to make that change?
- Be realistic about the time and energy that goes into preparing and planning a successful significant change. Saving more money is a nice goal, but determining the amounts ($50 per paycheck? $500 per month?), the method (A jar of cash atop the fridge? A high-yield savings account with automatic deposits?), etc. requires some forethought and setup. Starting therapy is an excellent goal, and it will take research, reaching out to multiple therapists, and potentially having calls with more than one therapist before you schedule that first therapy appointment. Even starting a running habit may take some prep. I know Nike programmed us all with, “Just Do It.” But, you still need to wear some shoes (whatever brand you prefer) to go run. So you may need to buy running shoes. Do you know what kind to buy? Do you order online, or go to a specialty shoe store? Do you need some cute running socks to go with those new shoes? (Duh.)
- Action: Now you’re putting the plan in motion. That is, you’re successfully starting or stopping the behavior in question. This is usually what we think of as the actual “change.”
- The action phase is the simplest, especially if you’ve done your prep. You’re actually doing the thing, or, doing the things that are helping you not do the old thing. If you’ve already done your preparation and you’re ready to take action – congrats! You’re a great candidate for making a New Year’s resolution.
- Maintenance: Change, continued. You’re proceeding with implementation of your action strategy, while you continue to develop a life that supports the new version of you. You may avoid certain places, join supportive groups, hang out with new people, or hire certain types of help.
Speaking of maintenance…
What is the secret to making a New Year’s resolution stick?
It’s not willpower, and it’s not hiring a drill sergeant to bully you into compliance. It’s actually expecting and excellence, not perfection. We sometimes think that getting a bit off track is a sign that we have failed, or that we’re unable to truly change. Not true! You must expect off days. Life will get in the way, I promise you. Do not beat yourself up. If you’re quitting a physical addiction, you probably need to aim for total abstinence, but even then you might not make your meeting every day or week. We just need to do well most of the time, and keep going when we don’t. So when you miss a day (or week!) at the gym, or you overspend your budget for the month: Do. Not. Give. Up. These little detours are part of the process; ditch the negative self talk and gently steer yourself back on course.
If you do decide to make a New Year’s resolution, I hope it is one that feels really good to you. Whether you’re ready to make a change or not, please be kind to yourself. You can make changes in your life at any time of year. We are not obligated to be on a constant path of self-improvement. You might need stability or comfort right now and that’s okay. Self-compassion is always important. If you must make a resolution, let that be it – to practice self-compassion!