We Need To Talk About Friend Break-ups and Losses
We don’t talk about friend break-ups enough. There are two reasons I want to discuss it here. First, losing a friend can be just as devastating as the end of a romantic relationship, and sometimes even more so. Second, it’s important to know you are allowed to break up with a friend, and, unfortunately, a friend is allowed to break up with you. Lastly, sometimes we “lose” friends not because of animosity, but because of circumstances – moving, leaving a job or school ending, or incompatible values – and this can also be very painful.
(I’ll pause here for a caveat, to say that “breaking up” is not always the best choice. If you are going to have a long-term, authentic, close relationship of any kind with anyone, you will eventually have conflict or some issue to resolve. Humans make mistakes. Humans misunderstand each other. So this article is not here to condone dumping your best friend of 10 years because she accidentally forgot your birthday one time. Work through that shit.)
Losing A Friend Is Hard
Losing a friend can be extremely painful. Just like any loss, there is a grief we experience that may include sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, and more. When someone has been a key part of your life, and then they suddenly aren’t, they leave a uniquely-shaped hole in your heart.
But what compounds the difficulty of the loss is the lack of recognition of its importance. If you break up with your girlfriend of 3 years, you’re likely to get overt support from people in your life. If you called out of work for a day to mourn the relationship, your boss might even understand. But what if you get dumped by a close friend of 5 years? First, you may not even talk about it, because it’s not “supposed” to be a big thing. Second, you may not get more than a “wow, that sucks, I’m sorry” from a friend or family member. No one is setting up a meal train for you because your friend stopped talking to you, even though it may be one of the worst things you’ve ever experienced.
Friend Break-ups In The LGBTQ+ World
Close friends are important parts of our queer lives. In the LGBTQ+ community, we really value “chosen family.” You’re more likely than straight folks to have moved away to a new city. If you’ve had to cut off or distance yourself from your family of origin or your home community – because of their homophobia/transphobia, your religious trauma, or any other reason – you know how essential it is to have good friends by your side. So when one of those relationships falls apart, it can feel devastating.
Furthermore, the queer community is a small world. Unless you live in a very big city like LA or NYC, there’s a reasonable chance you’ll run into your ex-friend in the wild, or that you have mutual connections. That comes with all the same anxiety and awkwardness as any other break up.
Social Media Makes Friend Break-ups More Difficult
I am old enough to remember life before the socials. If you didn’t want to be around someone anymore, you stopped calling and/or you didn’t return their calls. But social media gives us the opportunity/burden of potentially remaining infinitely connected with everyone ever, from that one girl you met in the bathroom line at a bar, to your high school ex’s Aunt Judy.
When you break up with a friend, you may still have the option to keep tabs on their life through Instagram, Twitter/X, and so on. Is this in your best interest, to keep following them? Usually, the answer is a hearty NO. However, even if you unfriend and unfollow, sometimes social media finds you. In my therapy sessions, even when they have unfollowed, sometimes my clients tell me they receive screenshots of their ex’s social media posts. They send a screengrab of your ex-girlfriend’s new Hinge profile. They show you your ex-friend’s post about moving to Europe. (I don’t know why people do this. Please don’t do this. Your friend or family member doesn’t need or want to know the updates.)
You Are Allowed To Break Up With Friends
The reality, both painful and liberating, is that we all have the right to cut ties with another person. The only relationship you should never abandon is your own child. Everything else is technically optional. And a relationship between two adults has the potential to become untenable. We grow, we change, and we sometimes become less tolerant of certain behaviors. Or, we get to know someone better and find out the person is not who we thought they were. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to have boundaries and walk away from someone who doesn’t respect you. We cannot control other people, but we can control whether we continue to show up for their behavior.
Friends Are Allowed To Break Up With You
Similarly, people are allowed to decide they don’t want to be in relationship with you. I know, it really sucks. It may be devastating and confusing, but you may have to accept it. Maybe it’s not really about you. Regardless, it can be heartbreaking when a valued someone discards you. You’re allowed to have all the feelings, and seek support.
It is said that the average adult friendship lasts about seven years. Averages don’t necessarily illustrate the specific realities, but it does tell us that it’s common for friendships to end. While our core personality traits don’t change a ton, we do evolve over our lifetimes, and we tend to underestimate how much we will change in the future. The person who was a super fun drinking buddy at 22 may not be a reliable confidant at 32. Your chill coworker may turn out years later to be a closet conservative. So, give yourself permission to walk away, but also give yourself permission to grieve.
High-Control Religion Can Divide People
If you’ve left a highly religious environment, you’ve probably experienced interpersonal losses around this. Even though you may have experienced positive emotions like peace, a sense of freedom, and increased self-worth, you may also be grieving individuals you had very real connections with. And, even worse, it may not have been your choice. If you’ve been ex-communicated, or simply judged harshly for your decisions, people who were practically family may have just ghosted you entirely. Please know that you are allowed your pain around these losses, and it doesn’t change how brave you are to have left. High-control religion often teaches us to ignore our feelings unless they are in service of the organization. I want you to know you don’t have to do that anymore. You can know you’ve done the right thing for you, and still feel sad about leaving people behind, being cut off, or loving people from afar.
Sometimes A Wonderful Friend Leaves
My best friend and I haven’t lived in the same city since high school, but she and I were both in Southern California for a good 15+ years. We could easily see each other for a day or a weekend, since we were never more than 2 hours’ drive apart. Then, one day she decided rather abruptly to move to Portland, OR. I was pretty upset about it. It felt so far away.
Even when everything is great between you and a good friend, it can be crushing to learn they’re leaving. They’ve become a key part of your day-to-day (or week-to-week) and you know that your life will be a little bit worse for the loss. We have lots of ways to stay connected, of course, but they’re no longer there to have brunch with, go out to the bars, go camping, or whatever it is you liked to do together IRL. This is usually less agonizing than a complete falling-out, since your connection remains intact, but painful nonetheless. So even if they’re leaving for happy reasons, like getting into grad school, or getting engaged to their long-term love, you can be happy for them and also have your own grief around their absence. Both things can be valid.
(My bestie and I have remained close, to varying degrees, over the years. We see one another IRL maybe once or twice a year, but through text, phone calls, and video calls we’ve kept our connection strong. I’d LOVE it if she moved back to SoCal but that’s never going to happen. Thank goodness for earning airline miles on my credit card!)
So, no matter which way you lose a friend, it can be very tough and as painful as any other heartbreak. Whether you end the friendship, they distance themselves from you, or one of you moves away, you’re absolutely allowed to feel all the feelings. I hope that you will allow yourself the time, space, and effort to grieve, and to seek out comfort and support.