People often wonder if it’s okay to have doubts about their relationship when they are seeing someone new. It’s not unusual for my clients, especially queer folks and ex-vangelicals, to worry that they’re being too picky or too judgmental. Most of the time, the doubts are based on good instincts.
The Chemistry is a Drug
We’re all bombarded with this idea that one day, love will hit us like a bolt of lightning. We are taught we’ll look into someone’s eyes for the first time and just know, I HAVE FOUND THE ONE. Queer folks and hetero folks alike are susceptible to this bullshit fantasy. Of course, there are a handful of people who, out of the billions that have, do, and will exist, actually fall in love with their person the first day they meet, and then live happily ever after for 40+ years until the day one of them dies. These people usually have clickbait feature articles written about them, because this literally almost never happens.
That bolt of lightning feeling we might (or might not) get when we first meet someone is a form of intense attraction and chemistry. It can be truly overwhelming, like being caught in a tractor beam. It has fueled many hit pop songs, bad poems, one night stands, whirlwind trips to the tropics, U-Hauls, unplanned pregnancies, teen marriages, and all kinds of exciting but short-sighted affairs of the heart, body and mind. If you grew up as an evangelical Christian in purity culture, you learned to interpret this lightning-bolt feeling as a sign from God, a signal that HE had sent this other person to you to marry. But you needn’t be religious to be sucked in by this whirlwind – the only prerequisite is to be human.
I hate to be a buzzkill, but these intense emotional starts rarely translate to lifelong love. Chemistry does not automatically equal trust, respect, compatibility and commitment.
Am I trying to ruin love for you? Am I some sort of romance Grinch? Not at all. On the contrary. What I wish for you is an increased chance of success in love, and in order to have that, you need to be savvy. I want you to see through the deception of hormones and shiny newness so you can absolutely find the real love of your life.
Doubts Are Good
So, when we ask the question, is it okay to have doubts when you’re seeing someone? My answer is: it’s not just okay, it’s absolutely necessary. Here are some ways to consider the benefits of doubt in a dating relationship:
- Enjoy the beginning, but don’t trust it 100%. The start of a relationship is often mindblowingly fun. The exhilaration of new “love” is better than most drugs (I haven’t done them all, but it’s better than the ones I have). So if it’s going well, enjoy the shit out of it. Have fun getting to know each other. Make out in a movie theater. Take a weekend trip together. Go ziplining or do an escape room or take a yoga class. AND ALSO. Take some alone time. Keep taking care of yourself. Spend time with your friends and family. Get some sleep. Because there is no way to know if this is the real deal until the crazy excitement wears off, and you don’t want to lose yourself if this doesn’t pan out.
- This is especially important advice for lesbians/WLW/AFAB-NB. The U-Haul is a stereotype for a reason, so beware and resist. And the WLW culture normalizes moving fast. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not ready to commit to a relationship after two weeks. It’s healthy to spend time apart. If you’ve ever been in a straight-presenting relationship, you probably know that humans are perfectly capable of being in love and not seeing each other every day.
- Remember that respect is the low bar. The biggest error in early dating that I see people make is to tolerate disrespect and then try to talk someone into respecting them later. The person you’re seeing should treat you with respect, as an equal peer. Full stop. Their presence in your life is a privilege and they should behave as such. If there is a situation where they accidentally disrespected you, due to a misunderstanding or a difference in preferences, have the discussion about it, and give them a second chance. And if it happens again, don’t be afraid to end it.
- Be willing to walk away! You must be willing to quit. Quitting is underrated in our culture, but sometimes giving up is exactly what we need to do. And look, I’m not talking about walking out on a marriage of 20 years because of a minor disagreement. I’m talking to people who are two, three, even six months into something. I know dating is exhausting. I know that once you find a spark with someone you actually want to get to know, the idea of walking away and starting over is demoralizing. I know that when you’ve been enjoying a delicious, feverish start to a relationship, to admit to yourself that your new beau Skylar is turning out to be a bit selfish and racist is extremely disappointing. But here is the alternative: spend the next 2 to 6 years trying to convince Skylar of your worth and the worth of all humans, until you break up over the reasons you knew were there all along, while simultaneously missing out on all the possible partners you could have met during that time period. Don’t make that mistake. People are generally on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. Be willing to walk away.
- Do not beat yourself up if you didn’t see something in the beginning. Sometimes it’s self-blame that gets in the way of walking away. “I should have known” is not a fair or useful sentiment. You simply cannot know someone fully without time. The entire point of dating is to see IF we want to continue moving forward (committing to a relationship, moving in together, marrying, getting a dog, having a child, etc.) That is why we don’t get engaged on the first or second date. We get to see who people really are when they are under stress, when we have conflict with them, when we need them to be there for us, when we see them around their friends/our friends/their family/our family, and so on. We also, as humans in general, need time to get comfortable and let our guard down, which is when the real person comes out.
- Additionally, and unfortunately, some folks out there will deliberately delay their toxic behavior until you seem to be “stuck” (and then they’ll also try to make their toxicity seem like your fault). There are countless stories out there about men who became violent right after the wedding. It’s not your fault if something like that happens to you. Get out as soon as you know, and are safely able to.
- You’re not being judgmental. You can have compassion and understanding for someone, and still know that they aren’t the right match for you as a partner. This is especially true if someone is being disrespectful or violating your trust. Nope. If someone can’t have an argument without calling you a bunch of nasty names “because that’s how they grew up,” then they’re not ready to be in a relationship until they get that stuff sorted out. Everyone has reasons for the way they behave. Don’t let the reasons be an excuse for you to overstay in a relationship.
Your Feelings Matter
Relationships are built on emotion, so it’s important to pay attention to how we feel when we’re deciding to get into one, or to continue building one. Yes, we want to balance that with reason, and keep ourselves grounded, but ignoring our gut entirely will only lead to long term problems and time wasted. Ask the questions. Sit with the uncertainty. It’s okay to have doubts.