Dating is hard.
From the first flirtation (whether DM or IRL), to waiting to hear back after a first date, to ending a situationship that’s gone awry, it can be rough out there. And if you’re queer, your dating pool is whittled down significantly from the general population. So when you find someone who lights you up a little, someone who makes it past the messaging stage and actually sparks hope instead of despair, you may put a lot of pressure on yourself to make THIS one work.
But, how do you know if the current match is actually headed in the right direction? It’s easy to get excited about things like common interests, physical attraction, or intelligence. When you find someone who is smart, hot, shares your politics, enjoys the same food, and has the same favorite band, it’s easy to think they may be THE one you’ve been waiting for. And all of those things are lovely, but without the actual important characteristics of a good relationship, those other factors won’t end up mattering.
So what are the actual important characteristics of a good relationship? To illustrate, please indulge me, for a moment, in a little metaphor.
Imagine you have a business and you decide to hire an employee. You sift through applicants and eventually find a promising resume. The candidate is personable, eager, has great organization skills, and they are well-versed in your line of work. But not long after you hire them, you find out that they are stealing from you. WTAF!? None of the other skills and qualities matter at that point, right? You’re extremely disappointed, and so angry, but you also know you have to let them go. There was so much hope and promise based on their resume, but without honesty and integrity, the skill set and enthusiasm are pretty useless.
In romantic situations, a parallel situation might be less black and white. Or… is it? Sometimes we get caught up in the chemistry and choose to ignore the real problem. Because, we really thought THIS time it was gonna happen! We wonder, Am I just being too picky? Should I give them more chances? What if no one else out there is cute and also digs hiking and Thai food? Is it me, am I the problem, since even this “great fit” isn’t working?
The answers are: No, it depends, that is unlikely, and probably not.
It’s good to be picky
…as long as you’re being picky about the right things, and we will talk about those in a second.
But first, let me say this: finding out over time that someone is not a good fit for you – well, this is literally the entire point of dating. There is a reason we don’t get married on the second date, reality TV show participants notwithstanding. (U-haulers, I’m looking at you!) It is impossible to truly know someone without spending the time to find out who they are. You might immediately feel good about their vibe, and like what they have to say, but are they, for example, trustworthy? You simply cannot know without time.
With that in mind, it’s important not to blame yourself when the passing weeks or months reveal that your partner-candidate is just not a good fit. You must truly allow yourself to let go of someone in these cases, especially in the early months. (To be clear, it’s always okay to let go of someone after long periods of time too, especially in abusive situations, but our threshold for walking away can, and should, be pretty low in the beginning.)
So what are we looking out for, once someone intriguing has passed the vibe check? How do we know our reasons aren’t just Seinfeld-level quirks, but are true red flags and dealbreakers?
You may have your own specific dealbreakers, but here is what we all need to be picky about when dating: two interrelated factors, Trust and Respect.
Respect.
All healthy relationships have a foundation of respect. This means the other person accepts that you are in charge of yourself, and that you are the expert on you. They treat you as an equal peer. They proceed with caution regarding your time, your body, your money, your privacy, your beliefs, and your belongings. They generally speak to you kindly, and even if there is a heated discussion or argument, there is no intimidation, name-calling, or aggressive swearing (there is a difference between saying, in an argument, “I’m so f*cking frustrated right now,” and angrily saying, ”You’re such a f*cking bitch”). Their behavior conveys the understanding that you are a whole person with a complete life who doesn’t actually need them, and that their presence in your world is a privilege.
Respect is not about control – it’s the opposite. It does not mean that one person gets to tell the other person what to do, where to go, what to post online, etc. If you have a significant problem with how someone is conducting themselves, then that is not your person. If someone is trying to get you to change (control) your behavior, it is a sign of disrespect. You do not need to modify how you dress, where you go, or with whom you spend your time. When things get more serious, the two of you may agree upon mutual rules like monogamy (and you can discuss what that means exactly for you two). Married couples often agree upon mutual rules around things like money and time. But these are not the same as one person telling the other what they can and can’t do. They are also something that comes with a long term, committed relationship where trust has already been established (see below). And when trust has been established, the need for control is eliminated.
That doesn’t mean we can’t express concern for one another’s behavior over time. If you’ve been with someone for two years and they suddenly pick up a serious drug habit, it makes sense that you’re going to express concern and share how their behavior impacts you. But if you discover on a 3rd date that your new boo is snorting $300 worth of coke each day, I’m sorry to tell you that Boo is already in a relationship (with cocaine) so it’s probably time to move on.
Trust.
True trust takes time to develop. There is no real shortcut. It is reasonable to feel anxious in the initial stages of getting to know someone, because you don’t know if you can trust them. If your gut is giving you a scary type of ick for someone, because they seem creepy, or too intense, definitely listen to that and keep yourself safe. But, if we are talking about general uncertainty, like, “What if they change their mind about me?” or “Is this person going to understand me?” then the only way to answer those questions is time. You don’t have “trust issues” or an anxious attachment style just because you’re not sure about someone’s level of trustworthiness after two or three weeks. Some people try to date on 2x speed by seeing the person a lot in a short period of time. They try to soothe the discomfort and anxiety by giving in to the chemistry and hoping trust develops sooner. And it doesn’t really work. You just have to tolerate that discomfort as things unfold over time. You’re getting to know them and you’re still gathering information; there’s no way around it, so proceed with cautious optimism. And be willing to walk away if you discover glaring deficits in trustworthiness.
In the context of romantic relationships, the concept of trust (or lack thereof) often evokes thoughts of sexual or emotional fidelity. But there are plenty of ways to damage trust besides “cheating.” And by the way, if you’re not yet in a committed monogamous relationship – and you aren’t, if you two haven’t specifically discussed it – then “cheating” isn’t really a thing. This goes back to the issue of respect. If someone hasn’t agreed to commit to only you and stop seeing other people, they have the right to do what they want with their time and their body, as do you. Never assume.
So how do you know if you can trust someone? As I said, it is a function of time. People are generally on their best behavior at the very beginning of a relationship, so it takes time to see someone’s true colors. Our trust grows stronger as we experience someone doing what they say they will, reliably treating us and our belongings with respect, and showing they care about our feelings. How might someone damage or lose your trust? Examples include sharing your secrets or sensitive info with others, being unreliable and inconsistent (not doing what they say they will do), misusing your belongings and money or taking things without permission, or snooping through your phone or other personal spaces.
Compatibility
Of course, other factors can be important in a successful relationship too. Regardless of how much you trust and respect one another, if you want 6 kids and they’re set on being child-free, or you’re the monogamous type and they’re diehard poly, it’s probably not going to work long-term. Compatibility does matter. Values, goals, beliefs, chemistry, and lifestyles can all play a role in whether a relationship is viable.
But those tend to be the things people are already consciously screening when they’re searching for a partner. You’re probably already looking for someone who is athletic and also loves dogs and enjoys travel. Which is great! But you can’t make a healthy relationship with a well-traveled, marathoning Goldendoodle lover if they’re mean to you or take your car without asking. So, don’t be afraid to be picky when it comes to these very important, interconnected concepts of respect and trust.