Someone pissed me off on my neighborhood walk this morning. The thing they did is, admittedly, a general pet peeve of mine, but today I noticed that my internal reaction was a bit disproportionate. Here’s the scenario: I’m walking alone down the sidewalk, and I come up against two or three people moving in the opposite direction, and they all continue walking at me side-by-side, rudely taking up the entire sidewalk, as if we are playing a game of Red Rover and they’re daring me to crash through their people-chain. Ugggghhhh *deep breath* Today, the person specifically in my way was a 30-something, white, slender, able-bodied man, whom I’m guessing to be cis-het, based on context clues. I like to play chicken in these sidewalk situations, and passive-aggressively force people to move, which he barely did. For the rest of my walk I found myself stewing about it, which is not typical for me, so I was curious about it. Turns out, y’all, I’m pretty angry. Huh!
Anger Is Not A “Bad” Word
I think a lot of us (women, queer folks, trans folks, BIPOC folks, therapists, people who care about people) are angry right now. People don’t like to use the word “angry.” In my many years as a therapist, I have noticed that folks – especially women – often instead use (overuse, misuse) the word “frustrated.” Sometimes that’s the appropriate feeling word, but it means something more specific – like being upset after repeated attempts to change or make progress on something. Anger is bigger, wider, more general, more powerful.
People in marginalized groups have often internalized that they don’t get to be angry; we’ve learned that anger is only for the privileged. We can be annoyed, or frustrated, but not angry. We are characterized as ridiculous or otherwise problematic if we seem angry, so we’ve learned to just not be. This is actually somewhat adaptive for the individual in a patriarchal and racist society, given the rules. Anger suppression gets reinforced by other members of your group (women, people of color, etc.) as a way to stay safe and stay in line. The message is, if you seem angry, you’re kind of screwed, so just don’t. Zawn Villines puts it this way:
When a woman is angry, society views it as evidence that she’s crazy. Calling a woman angry entitles us to ignore her. She’s out of control, shrill, unable to control her emotions, hysterical.
Our culture stigmatizes anger in women as irrational, hysterical, and embarrassing and childish loss of control. “You sure seem angry!” is every sexist man’s immediate response to feminist discourse.
So it’s understandable that, as we all try to survive the game of patriarchy, we learn to “not be angry.” The problem is that when we individually suppress our anger, we are all collectively even more screwed.
Yes, We Are Angry
I have plenty of justifiable anger. Maybe you do too. I am not crazy. You’re probably not crazy either. We deserve better.
I’m angry because the people in charge of the Democratic Party did not understand the undecided electorate well enough to convince them to vote for a relatively run-of-the-mill presidential candidate over Mr. Felon-SexualAssault-Racist-Billionaire-BadGuy.
I’m angry because a cis-het male friend who, when I simply mentioned I’d been emotionally drained due to lots of discussions about the election (I am a queer therapist, after all), told me not to “trip,” that there was a lot of “hysteria about the election” and that he had, in fact, voted for Trump, and don’t hate him, ha ha.
I’m angry because my own mother posted one of those “red wave” images on Facebook celebrating not only the conservative success of the presidential election but, presumably, the house and senate as well. I’m angry because I’m expected to go to Thanksgiving at my parents’ house with my wife and teenage daughter and pretend like I’m not angry.
I’m angry because my own daughter is going to become an adult under a Trump presidency after being born under an Obama one. I’m angry that she probably won’t consider going to college outside of our home state of California out of fear. (Okay, admittedly I might also be a little selfishly glad about that one.)
I’m angry because our first transgender congressional representative is already being banned from the fucking bathroom by petty, childish, ridiculous colleagues.
I’m angry because I’m supposed to not talk about some of the above things, like somehow I’m the asshole here. I’m angry because there is so much more I want to say, but feel like I can’t, and don’t even have the time to say it all anyhow.
Own Your Anger
We have to allow ourselves our anger. It is real. It is empowering and mobilizing. It is not just something to vent and process and purge. And it is nothing to be embarrassed about. We need it. We can direct it and use it constructively. It is righteous anger.
Patriarchy would have you believe that anger is only natural for those with the most privilege. You see anger show up whenever privilege is challenged (see: white male fragility). Men show anger and we stay out of their way. Men of color show anger and they are often demonized. Angry women are “crazy,” and angry women of color have it the worst. Who wants to be evil or crazy?! So we just… aren’t. Those at the top of the hierarchy (and those benefiting from it) would prefer for you to believe that YOU just don’t get angry, that it’s just not your thing. You’re not crazy, sweetheart, just calm down now. You don’t do anger, that’s not like you. And the system continues to thrive. Fear is much more effective for keeping the order of things, after all.
But you too are allowed to be angry. You DO get angry. All humans experience anger from time to time. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel angry, even if it has nothing to do with the state of the world or the things I mentioned above. I encourage you to start using the word. Try it out, even if it is just to yourself. “I feel angry.” “I am angry.” “When this happened, it really made me angry.”
Anger Is A Feeling
Anger is not a behavior. It doesn’t mean you are harming anyone or anything. So this is not encouragement to break things, shout at people, say mean things, get into useless internet fights, or do crimes. No. Anger is an emotion. It is the appropriate reaction to injustice and threat. It can be managed, channeled, and used to fuel great constructive actions. Anger has been the fire under so many peaceful movements. It is most effectively used when we can use its power to simmer as we organize and persist.
What Do We Do With Our Anger?
How do we tap into our anger and use it for nonviolent good?
- Recognize your anger. You first have to know it’s there before you can use it. You may need to start by generally checking in with yourself about your feelings. Try using a feelings wheel or list of emotions to help you expand your vocabulary or jog your memory. Set an alarm for twice a day to ask yourself what you’re feeling. Also, notice what euphemisms you may be using to minimize anger, such as “frustrated,” “annoyed,” and think about what synonyms you might use to enhance your expression of anger such as “enraged” or “infuriated.”
- Notice your body. Many of us are disconnected from our bodies in various ways, due to trauma or other conditioning. When you’re feeling angry, where do you feel it in your body? For example, is there tightness in your chest, do you get a headache, or tingling in your arms and hands? Getting in touch with your somatic sensations can help you process your feelings more efficiently and redirect that energy in the ways that you’d prefer.
- Write about your anger. (Guess what I’m doing right now! lol) Writing is one of the most accessible ways to process emotions. You can do it anytime, anywhere. You can do it over and over again. You don’t need anyone else to be there. You can say whatever you want. You can keep it or get rid of it. You can use your notes app, a pen and paper, a google doc, or a napkin in a restaurant. You can put it out into the world, Iike I’m doing now, or you can trash it and just decide it was for venting. The important thing is owning your anger and not denying it or being afraid of it.
- Get involved. Let your anger motivate you to connect with an organization that’s on the front lines of the battles you want to fight. There are ways to volunteer that fit all kinds of personalities, whether you’re a team leader or a quiet data analyst type or creative designer or just want to bake cookies for the people making the phone calls.
- Use your money for good (if you have it). Do you have more money than time? Donate to your causes. Talk to your friends with money about your anger and why you want them to donate. Tip generously. Pay service workers, like housekeepers and nannies, a living wage.
- Make stuff. Creativity, crafting, and art can be powerful. Take your anger and turn it into a subversive t-shirt design or bumper sticker.
- Talk about your anger. Yes, the internet is full of podcasters and TikTokers. But they’re not you. Maybe you’re a voice of sane anger we need in the mix. If you have a passion for talking and making content, maybe this is the time to channel your rage into a new channel.
One last thing. I’m not trying to encourage anyone to create anger that isn’t there. If you’ve got other feelings going on that need expressing or addressing, then I hope some of this was useful anyway, or that you find other useful content somewhere. If you’re chill right now, cool. But for the rest of you… I do believe we’ve been in an epidemic of anger suppression, each of us just trying to survive and seem “normal” in an oppressive, hierarchical society. We are going to need that anger in order to dismantle the patriarchy, so if you’ve got it, flaunt it and use it. LFG.