This time of year is ROUGH for some of us queer and trans folks. I am sure I don’t need to tell you that you’re not the only one who might be struggling. Maybe it’s because you’re not going to see family at all, but maybe it’s because you ARE seeing your family. For queer folks who come from families that adhere to high control religion or fundamentalist belief systems, these issues are even more common. When we add the stress of money and spending concerns, time strains, and general social obligation, it can get even harder. I want to offer you a few tips to get you through your family gatherings relatively unscathed. Let’s get into it.
- You don’t have to go. If you are an adult who does not live in your family’s home, and you are not financially dependent on family, you really don’t have to do holidays with them. You do not have to spend time with someone who has abused you. You do not have to put yourself in situations that actively and repeatedly trigger trauma responses. Now, you may choose to, which is fine, and we will talk about ways to manage that. But first and foremost, this is a choice.
- IF you decide to go, let your values guide you, rather than forcing yourself to go out of guilt or shame. What does that mean?
- It’s remembering your “why” for attending. For some people, family connection is an important value, even when it’s difficult. For others, it might be that you are going because you want to spend time with specific family members, and the price of admission is seeing others you’d rather not deal with. For example, if your dear sweet grandmother, whom you love dearly, is 95 and unwell, it may be important to you to show up for Christmas. You may choose this even if your cousins will be wearing their MAGA hats at dinner. Remembering your “why” can help with tolerating the challenges.
- It’s also deciding for yourself what your code of conduct is, and doing your best to behave in a way that you can live with later, regardless of what others say or do. Is it important to you to speak up, regardless of whether it makes others upset or uncomfortable? Or is it more important to have as little friction as possible and get through it without conflict? That’s up to you to decide. I suggest thinking these sorts of things through beforehand, and even practicing what you will say or how you want to conduct yourself. You can rehearse this mentally (professional athletes do this sort of thing before a game), or even talk it through with someone close to you.
- Prepare yourself. This requires a level of radical acceptance about who these people are, what they believe, and how they have historically behaved toward you. Often we go into these situations with this combo of bracing ourselves and crossing our fingers, hoping people are on their best behavior. I hope that for you too, but I want you to be prepared if they aren’t. This is not the time for toxic positivity. You cannot control others’ behavior, but you do have control over yourself. Here are a few strategies to consider:
- To help lower your stress and anxiety levels, consider doing some self-care. Exercise, sleep well, stay hydrated, do yoga, or do a guided meditation. This may sound simplistic but it can make a huge difference.
- Give yourself permission to leave. Have an exit strategy if you are attending one singular event. Feign a headache or a work emergency, or simply say you’re going to go and then do it. (It’s okay if people are disappointed.) If you are going for a long-term visit, strategize about how you can get away and take time for yourself. This could be as short as a 5 min bathroom break or as long as a 2 hour hike.
- Utilize weaponized confusion. This is a strategy for offensive or inappropriate comments or jokes. When your drunk uncle says, “Well, you know how those ____ people can’t drive!” you play stupid and say something like, “What’s that? I don’t understand, can you explain?”
- Affirm yourself. Arm yourself with some affirmations, and make sure they are ones you believe. Again, not the time for toxic positivity, but there is space for genuine encouragement. Write them on a little piece of paper and put them in your pocket. Put them on your phone notes and go read them periodically. Below are some examples, but you can make up your own to suit you.
- ”I am handling this really well, considering how hard it is. I’m doing better than last year.”
- “I am loved for who I am by many people, including ____”
- ”I feel sorry for these people, they don’t get to enjoy who I am and they are missing out.”
- “Their beliefs are not my values; I know I am living according to what is important to me.”
- Box Breathing. This is a popular calming technique that can be really helpful when your fundamentalist family starts pontificating on their dogmatic beliefs or you’ve seen too much Fox News that day. It’s simple and easy to remember. Breathe in for four slow counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four and repeat this four times. There are other variations on this sort of thing out there, so use the count that works best for you.
This can be such a hard time of year for those with religious trauma and for many queer folks. These are just a few strategies but I hope you find them helpful. Again, you’re not going to be fixing everything or making people change by utilizing these approaches. But you will be taking care of yourself and getting better at protecting your peace. Remember to practice self-compassion and be mindful of what you actually need. Best of luck and take good care of yourself.