In recovering from religious trauma as a queer person, people often tell me they “feel behind.”
Main points we will cover in this article:
- “Behind” is not a feeling, it’s a self-judgment
- The emotions associated with “feeling behind” are often embarrassment, guilt, and shame
- Consciously or unconsciously, you may be comparing to a script or timeline that no longer applies for you
- When things used to be very black-and-white, having unknowns and gray areas may make you feel uncomfortable
Why Do I “Feel Behind”?
First, what do we mean when we say this? Because “behind” isn’t really an emotion. You’re not going to find it on a feelings wheel in your therapist’s office. “Feeling behind” is a judgment and a description. It’s assigning a status relative to some specific schedule or criteria, like being behind on your homework because the syllabus indicated it was due last week. So, “feeling behind” implies there is an accepted schedule, and you’re judge yourself to be off-track.
When I hear someone say “I feel behind,” usually they’re talking about things like relationship status and sexuality, life milestones, or their own understanding of spirituality and/or morality. “Feeling behind” often translates to something like this:
There are certain things that people are supposed to have figured out or settled by this age/stage. I haven’t successfully achieved/maintained/figured out some of these things. Therefore, I am a failure and should feel badly about myself.
What Does “Feeling Behind” Sound Like?
Here are some examples of the ways “feeling behind” shows up in the thoughts and words of queer folks who are recovering from religious harm or religious trauma:
- “I should be comfortable with being out by now. I shouldn’t be worried about what other people think.”
- “I should be settled and married by now. Or at least in a happy, committed relationship. Something must be wrong with me.”
- “I should know what my beliefs are. Everyone around me seems so sure of theirs.”
- “I should be more comfortable with sex by now. I deconstructed purity culture a long time ago.”
- “I should know who I am by now. Everyone else seems to know who they are.”
What Emotions Are Happening When I “Feel Behind”?
If “behind” is not a feeling, what are the emotions we are experiencing when we make this statement? Here are some of the emotions common in those who “feel behind”:
Shame. Brene Brown defines shame as
the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
Shame is the deep sense that we are not good enough and may never be. It is the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. It is a feeling about who we are, not just what we have or haven’t done. Shame is rarely a helpful emotion, because it tends to lead to hopelessness and inaction. It’s a very common feeling among survivors of religious trauma.
Guilt. Guilt is a feeling associated with action or inaction. It is the unpleasant feeling resulting from having done something wrong, or failing to do something right. Guilt sometimes gets a bad rap, because it can actually be constructive. When we make a significant mistake, or make a choice that goes against our values, it’s sometimes appropriate to have some pangs of guilt. The memory of that icky feeling can help guide us to better future decisions.
But, unfortunately, guilt can also be habitual and free-floating, showing up when we don’t need or want it. Sometimes we feel guilty because we’ve been conditioned to feel it, even though we consciously know we haven’t done anything wrong. Religious trauma survivors often have a daily battle with free-floating guilt.
Embarrassment. We feel embarrassed when we know we haven’t done anything morally wrong or deeply shameful, but we feel foolish or we stand out in a negative way from typical social norms. If you have broccoli stuck in your teeth and you discover it after you had a face-to-face conversation with someone, you may feel embarrassed, but not necessarily ashamed. A person who trips over someone else’s belongings might feel very embarrassed, while the owner of the belongings might feel guilty for leaving their stuff in the way.
Guilt and embarrassment can, however, activate shame, if you’re generally struggling with a deep feeling of being fundamentally unworthy.
Separating Feelings From Beliefs
Why do you feel shame, guilt and/or embarrassment? Your feelings are real, but they may be based on old beliefs. If you’ve already deconstructed your religion, rejected the unwanted religious dogma, and have bravely come out to the world, how could you be applying old rules you don’t believe in?
Often, it’s a (sometimes unconscious) desire for certainty and the habit of black-and-white thinking, programmed by religious environments, that drives these feelings. There is a special anxiety that arises when you’re used to having all the answers, but are now left with some blank spaces and question marks.
The false set of rules that I often see in LGBTQIA+ folks with religious backgrounds goes something like this:
Good, successful, wise people know the answers to life and follow the correct path. They don’t have questions about who they are, or question what’s right and wrong. They don’t get confused, and they don’t need to evolve or change. They know what’s important and true. They know who they are and what to be.
High-control religion provides clear guidelines for life. When you spend a significant amount of time in that psychological environment – and especially when you spend your childhood in high-control religion – it can feel normal, and even safe, to believe you know exactly what’s right and wrong, what choices to make when, and what’s important and unimportant. “God’s Plan” is whatever you were taught, and you were supposed to just follow that map, no questions asked. But now you may be moving through life without directions, just trying to find your way.
It’s Okay To Be Unsure
Now that you’ve left high-control religion, you may have a lot to figure out for yourself. There may be some things that you are 100% sure about, which can feel comforting. You may want to be sure about everything, but you’re not. It may take time to sort everything out, and some things may remain unknown for a long time. You may need to explore and experiment and have some experiences before you know your personal rules.
Psychological flexibility is positive and healthy, but in fundamentalist thought, it is demonized.
Perhaps you were raised in purity culture, but now you have decided that sex outside of marriage is okay. The removal of that hard-and-fast, narrow rule introduces a host of questions. When are you personally ready to have sex with someone? Do you go on feeling, or do you have a rule that you need to be in a committed relationship first? How do you feel about one-night-stands? What counts as “sex” to you? What about monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships? When is it okay to move in with someone?
And that’s just one topic. There is a lot to figure out when you’re starting with a clean slate. The reality is that you don’t have it all figured out, and that probably feels extremely uncomfortable. But you’re allowed to not know.
And, It’s Okay To Be “Behind”
Your timeline might be a little different from those who’ve been out there in the secular world for their entire lives. People who grow up without high-control religion sometimes have more freedom in their youth to start figuring life out for themselves. They date in high school and have messy break ups or awkward sexual experiences. They try out different clothing and hairstyles to see how it feels to express themselves. They might make art, music, or poetry. They may experiment with substances. They may have had opportunities to address their mental health issues with a professional. They might have a drunk one-night-stand in college and learn that they don’t like doing that. Or kiss someone of the same gender and learn they really do like that.
You may have not had the opportunity to do any of that, if you were living life by a set of strict rules that were chosen for you. If you didn’t have the opportunity to get a little messy in the early years, you might find things a little messy in the present. And that’s okay.
Your timeline may also be pretty different from your peers who are still in high-control religion. Fundamentalist folks often get married younger, start having children earlier, prioritize buying a home, and so on. If you’re like me, you may have watched some of your peers get married in their early 20s, and have multiple kids before age 30. Meanwhile you may be in your 30s and dating, travelling, finishing school, advancing your career, getting fit, developing hobbies, or just having fun with friends. Does that make you “behind?” Or are you just growing and developing in different ways?
You’re a work-in-progress. And you’re not alone, because we all are. There is no perfect timeline. We all have our own stories to live.