It’s rough out there, folks. Of course, it’s been rough for a while here in the US, if you are anything besides a white, cishet man. It’s especially frightening right now for the targets of those in power: immigrants (or anyone who “looks like” they could be an immigrant) and trans people.
(Let’s acknowledge that this has been happening forever, really, in the US, especially to Black and indigenous people. And Renee Good and Alex Pretti are just the latest of dozens that ICE has wrongly killed.)
As a therapist who helps people recover from religious trauma, I recognize that current events in recent months and years can be very triggering. The news may bring up fear, confusion, guilt (for not being able to do more, for questioning authority, for disagreeing with family, for going about your daily life), anger, anxiety, and maybe even flashbacks from your previous experiences. You are definitely not alone in this.
If you grew up in a high-control religious environment, you’re likely no stranger to the fear of physical harm (whether by corporal punishment, or future hellfire) or social isolation (whether by formal excommunication, or being pushed away for “backsliding”) as a consequence of noncompliance. So what we are witnessing around us may feel very familiar. My colleague Jeremy Schumacher recently talked about this on his podcast Your Therapist Needs Therapy. He discusses the way James Dobson-influenced parenting set people up for accepting a “system where freedom is reserved for the obedient and force is used to manage everyone else.”
If you’re like most people who’ve come through my office with religious trauma, you may have a hard time trusting yourself, as a result of this sort of compliance conditioning. You may be quick to disregard your own feelings, saying they’re wrong or not important, because that’s what you were taught both directly and indirectly. You may feel overly deferential to authority, which makes it hard to give your own wants and needs any weight, or to let yourself feel the full force of your anger. Maybe you were told since infancy that you are inherently sinful, and that the only way to avoid eternal damnation (or being hit, or being publicly shamed) is to ignore your gut and “do what God says.”
You became adept at following instructions, and swiftly disregarding any internal alerts. Doing all of this complying and compartmentalizing is how you have survived. You really didn’t have much choice. And if you’re a queer or trans person, and you made it all the way to adulthood without being out (and without checking out of life entirely), you could probably win a gold medal for compartmentalizing.
Maybe your religious community was led by powerful, abusive, manipulative people. You may have experienced abuse yourself. Perhaps you were pushed to ignore what you’ve seen, heard, or experienced, or to resist “spiritual attacks” that could be challenging your faith in these situations, as our government is pushing us now. That is, it doesn’t matter what you think you saw. What matters is whether you’re going to continue to fall in line. As Orwell put it, the authorities insist you must “reject the evidence of your eyes and ears.” Or as 2 Corinthians says, “We walk by faith, not by sight.” (Ooof. I apologize if that is triggering! I still get a sick feeling in my gut just typing it.)
So what do we do with this combination of previous trauma and experiencing the current dumpster fire all around us? The first step is to practice self-compassion, which helps us connect with our emotions, our gut, our inner voice. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three main components:
- Self-kindness. This means practicing acceptance of our own emotions, needs, shortcomings. minimizing self-criticism. It’s not about letting everything slide. We work on accepting that as a human, we will always be imperfect, and that doesn’t make us bad. We remember that people have difficult internal experiences for all kinds of reasons. How can you be kind to yourself today? How would you talk to a good friend about what you’re experiencing?
- Remembering our common humanity. Whatever you’re experiencing, someone else has experienced it too. Just about all of what we experience in life is common to other people. Everyone has felt shame, anger, sadness. Everyone has suffered, made mistakes, and felt like they don’t know what to do. This one is especially applicable to the current situation. You are definitely not alone in how you’re feeling. Is there someone you can connect with who might feel similarly? Sometimes just hearing, “I get it, me too, this is awful” is really helpful.
- Being mindful. Mindfulness here is not necessarily about meditating or some specific practice. It’s more of an attitude. As Dr. Neff says, “Self-compassion requires taking a balanced, mindful approach to our suffering so that we neither suppress or exaggerate it.” We can’t ignore our pain, because that isn’t compassionate. But ignoring it doesn’t make it disappear. It’s still impacting us. We also don’t want to become so enveloped by it that we can’t care for ourselves or be effective in any way. It means accepting the emotional experience that we are having. Easier said than done, I know. This talk on acceptance by Diana Hill may be helpful.
I want to emphasize that self-compassion is a practice, and it’s okay if you’re not great at it when you first try it out. As we discussed above, this may be particularly challenging if you have religious trauma, or just generally have an internal critic who keeps telling you to “suck it up.”
If you are looking for a queer therapist who understands religious trauma, let’s chat. Get in touch today.