In recovering from religious trauma as an LGBTQIA+ person, people often say they are “feeling behind” in life. Main points we will cover in this article: “Behind” is not a feeling, it’s a self-judgment The emotions associated with “feeling behind” in life are often embarrassment, guilt, and shame Consciously or unconsciously, you may be comparing…
Review of For God’s Sake: Recovering From Religious Trauma Key Points: For God’s Sake is highly recommended for anyone recovering from religious trauma caused by high-control or fundamentalist religion Though under 200 pages, it is packed with information, self-assessments, and journaling exercises related to religious trauma For God’s Sake addresses various specifics like fears of…
It’s not uncommon for my clients (and people in my real life too) who have trauma to initially reject the label “trauma” for themselves. This personal distancing has probably been reinforced by the current ubiquity of the word. This has been fueled by a mix of social media misinformation and oversimplification, the shift in mental…
It’s the most wonderful queer time of the year – PRIDE month! For the LGBTQIA+ community, June kicks off the summer with a joyous, celebratory month of parties, parades, and more. Pride month is so many things. It began as a protest march in the early 1970s to mark the anniversary of the Stonewall Inn…
Why Didn’t I Come Out As Trans Sooner? Coming out as trans can be a challenging process. This question of timing is clearly a personal question that only you can answer for yourself, but it’s one I encourage you to ask with compassion. It’s often posed as a rhetorical question. In reality, the question “why…
Bisexual people are everywhere. But it may not seem that way. Despite the ubiquity of bisexuality, we collectively tend to overlook its existence. And it’s easy to do that, because bisexuality often gets superficially erased. The pressure of compulsory heterosexuality (or comphet) is present for most of us beginning in early childhood, constantly pushing us…
If you’re reading this, you likely already know that purity culture has had an insidious impact on multiple generations of folks raised on high-control religion. If you’re one of these people, and you’re starting to recognize the profound effect it has had on you and your sexuality, you’re not alone. With purity culture’s far-reaching effects…
Many folks experiencing religious trauma also have problems with high levels of anxiety. But not all anxiety is caused by religious trauma, and not all anxiety is bad. Let’s start by taking a look at the definition and function of anxiety. What is Anxiety? Anxiety, in the most general sense, is a normal human emotion.…
What is Compulsory Heterosexuality? Compulsory heterosexuality is the societal expectation and assumption that you are (and will be) cisgender and heterosexual. We experience pressure to be cisgender and heterosexual (cishet) before we even know what that means. We learn, before we can even put it into words, that cishet is the “right” way to be.…
Some of us figure out who we are when we are well into adulthood. Others of us knew all along we were different, but didn’t feel we could come out sooner. Regardless of the reasons, let’s talk about why coming out in your 30s and 40s (or later) is so different from coming out in…
It’s rough out there, folks. Of course, it’s been rough for a while here in the US, if you are anything besides a white, cishet man. It’s especially frightening right now for the targets of those in power: immigrants (or anyone who “looks like” they could be an immigrant) and trans people. (Let’s acknowledge that…
I am all for using the new year as a fresh start. Since many of us have a little down time leading up to New Year’s Day, it’s a welcome chance to rest, reflect, and consider what we might like to accomplish in 2026. What I don’t love is burdening ourselves with the expectation of…
This time of year is ROUGH for some of us queer and trans folks. I am sure I don’t need to tell you that you’re not the only one who might be struggling. Maybe it’s because you’re not going to see family at all, but maybe it’s because you ARE seeing your family. For queer…
It’s Saturday afternoon, and my wife has put on the Lilith Fair documentary. On one hand, it’s a big hot mug of warm nostalgia featuring beloved artists from my young adult years – Sarah McLauchlan, Lisa Loeb (huge crush), and Natalie Merchant, to name a few. And also, it has tapped into a well of…
How do you find a queer therapist in California? Here, you’ve found a great queer therapist. But if I said that Tara McGrath, LMFT is the best LGBTQ+ therapist in the entire state of California, that would be a pretty bold statement, right? It also can’t really be true. “Who is the best?” is actually…
What is a “secular” therapist? And why should you care? Approximately 80% of Americans believe in a supernatural god of some kind. So, there is a good chance that any given therapist is religious or spiritual in some way. A secular therapist is one who clearly identifies they do not include spiritual or religious practices in…
Where do you start when you’ve decided to see a therapist? People often turn to their health insurance for lists of providers. But, is that the best way to go? It’s generally true that a session with an insurance therapist may be the cheaper option. Often you’ll pay just a co-pay, approximately $10 to $40…
We Need To Talk About Friend Break-ups and Losses We don’t talk about friend break-ups enough. There are two reasons I want to discuss it here. First, losing a friend can be just as devastating as the end of a romantic relationship, and sometimes even more so. Second, it’s important to know you are allowed…
What is EMDR Therapy? You’ve heard people talk about EMDR, but what is it? EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a special therapeutic way to process trauma and painful or disturbing memories, resulting in far less emotional impact in the present. This can help you feel more calm, improve your sleep, and change your…
A support group (or group therapy) is not usually the first thing we think of when seeking help for our mental health. I get it – it can feel very vulnerable and risky to bring your personal pain and struggle to a room (or virtual room) full of strangers. Other concerns I’ve heard include, “I…
“Am I being too picky? Maybe I should give them another chance. Sometimes things are good. I shouldn’t even be thinking this way, doubting things. It started so well, but now I’m not sure…” The Chemistry is a Drug We’re all bombarded with this idea that one day, love will hit us like a bolt…
You’ve made it through the minefield that is the family holiday season. 2025 is arriving, and as usual, everywhere you go (physically or virtually) you’re told that January’s start must usher in a fresh, new beginning for you as well. Soon, the gyms will be packed, spending will be low, sobriety will be high (pun…
Is your family one that is just super accepting, emotionally mature, and celebrates you exactly as you are as a queer person/ Oh. Hmm no? Not so much? It would be nice if we all were lucky enough to have that kind of family to visit for the holidays. You probably have one friend who…
Someone pissed me off on my neighborhood walk this morning. Here’s the scenario: I’m walking alone down the sidewalk, and I come up against three people walking at me side-by-side-by-side, rudely taking up the entire sidewalk, as if we are playing a game of Red Rover and they’re daring me to crash through their people-chain.…
It is not lost on me – “The Agnostic Therapist,” an EXvangelical queer woman who helps clients recover from religious harm – that my favorite team, the San Diego Padres, is named after the Catholic Franciscan Friar missionary colonizers who forced their religion on the indigenous folks of this region. Talk about religious trauma! I…
I am old enough to be Chappell Roan’s mom. In February 1998, when she was born, I was in my senior year of college at UC San Diego. My 15 year old adores her. Watching parts of the recent VMAs made me feel like a great-grandma. What I am trying to say here is that…
Dating is hard. From the first flirtation (whether DM or IRL), to waiting to hear back after a first date, to ending a situationship that’s gone awry, it can be pretty rough out there. And if you’re queer, your dating pool is whittled down significantly from the general population. So when you find someone who…
It’s a common question to be asked: What is your approach in therapy? With me, therapy is a conversation. I don’t usually follow a strict formula or format, and my approach is always collaborative. I have had an eclectic two-decade career with all sorts of experiences and trainings, and I’ve integrated all of this learning…
The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church, by Sarah McCammon As someone who left evangelical Christianity behind over 25 years ago, one of the most striking things I’ve noticed in my work as a therapist (and from reading about others’ experiences) is how much white evangelical culture has NOT changed. Clearly, the…
You’ve been thinking about starting therapy, and you know you could use the help. But it’s feeling hard to get started. If you feel lost trying to find a therapist, you’re not alone. Where Do You Look For a Therapist? If you have and want to use insurance, you might start with your insurance provider’s…
Have you yet been acquainted with the term “critical ignoring?” If not, allow me to introduce you. What is Critical Ignoring? We mere mortals only have so much time and energy. Those of us who are extremely online are often overly inundated with information, some of which isn’t actually “information,” but opinion, harassment, noise, false…
It was an honor to have read this memoir by Sarah Henn Hayward before its official release in November 2023. I wish I’d had it by my side 25+ years ago when I was fumbling through my own deconversion. It would have felt like the friend I didn’t have at the time. First, I will…
We often think of coming out as something that happens in one’s younger years. For many of us, the teen years are a time of exploration and experimentation, as well as a time of identifying who we are as an individual. When we are free to fully explore ourselves and our sexuality without judgment or…
Hello there! Here’s what’s going on in my practice (UPDATED 9/16/25): IN-PERSON SESSIONS I am seeing clients in the office on Wednesdays and Fridays. I may add more in-person days in the future. My office is located in the University Heights area of San Diego. EMDR I am offering EMDR therapy as an option for…
What does it mean when we have internalized homophobia? When someone internalizes their family’s, religion’s, or culture’s negative attitudes and beliefs about being queer, this results in feelings of shame, guilt, and self-hatred. It is a common side effect of being raised in evangelical purity culture. When someone is raised in a high-control religion, they…
So you want to see a therapist. But how do you find the right one? Where do you even start with that? If you have health insurance coverage, you can go to your insurance website and get a list of names, but that tells you little-to-nothing about the actual therapists themselves. How do you know…
Purity culture. I didn’t have that name for it when I was young. I just heard over and over again that sex is only for married men and women, the end, full stop. To reinforce this, when I was 13 my parents gave me a gold ring to wear, with a little rose on it…
Clients often come to me utterly frustrated with their own negativity. They’re annoyed with their inner critic. They’re tired of a fearful outlook regularly ruining their days. They’re able to identify “negative self-talk,” and they want to know how to make it stop. They’re exhausted by worry and the thought of worst-case scenarios, and then…
I recently had the privilege to be interviewed by Savio P. Clemente at Authority Magazine, for his series entitled Taking the Leap: How to Learn to Believe in Yourself. In the series he interviews people from various disciplines and industries about why it’s important to believe in yourself and how you can get better at…
You’ve deconstructed and deconverted and haven’t been in a church in years, except for weddings and funerals. You’re pretty clear on your beliefs – or lack thereof. So is it possible that the old programming is still impacting your daily life? Absolutely. Here are several ways you may be seeing this stuff show up long…
Therapists are always learning. We are required to obtain ongoing education in order to maintain our licenses, but many of us learn because we love it. And I am one of them. So I recently completed an additional two-day intensive trauma treatment certification workshop. This trauma training was led by Dr. Arielle Schwartz, one of…
Grief is a Rollercoaster. It takes us on a wild ride through multiple emotions. And not the fun kind of ride. Losing someone significant is never easy, and it can get more complicated when you’ve left behind your religious beliefs. Grieving when you are exvangelical, ex-Mormon, or any other “ex,” you may feel like you…
Florida’s state government has done at least one thing right (despite some of the horrible moves it has been making recently). It allows licensed, out-of-state mental health clinicians like me to provide telehealth (online) services. Now that I have been officially approved, I am excited to be able to connect with Florida clients, especially members…
CW: abortion ”Why should I care if my therapist is identified as secular? Don’t all therapists have to be unbiased with their clients?” This is a reasonable question. Psychotherapists do try to be unbiased about a great number of things, but we are also human beings. As licensed professionals, we are ethically obligated to, as…
For many LGBTQ+ exvangelical individuals, the process of leaving the evangelical Christian church and coming to terms with their sexuality can be a tough process. Often, the teachings of the church can instill feelings of shame, self-doubt, and self-criticism that linger long after leaving the faith, and this is even more true for queer and…
I had a recent, not-so-fun surprise: my appendix suddenly decided to freak out and ruin my week. I’ve never had to “listen to my gut” more acutely, when, within an hour or so, I went from thinking, “Is this just gas?” to wondering if I was actively dying. Fortunately my wife and I were both…
Do you struggle with feeling like nothing you do is ever quite good enough? Do you find that doing something 99% correct still feels like a failure? If so, you might be a perfectionist, and you are not alone. The good news is that we can challenge that tendency in a variety of ways, and…
Behavior change is hard. It can be so frustrating when we catch ourselves doing the old thing when we desperately want to be doing a new thing. Often we are painfully conscious of our patterns, watching them play out like a movie we have seen a thousand times before. It might be something mundane like compulsively checking your phone, or something complex like the way you express emotional reactivity in a relationship.
“And then, I just broke down.” We know this phrase. You’ve probably said it. I know I have. “I broke down” doesn’t mean you became sick, or that you suddenly couldn’t move your body, or that your brain stopped working. There’s no actual breaking down of anything. It simply means you cried. That’s it. More…
We all have bad days. Some worse than others. You might be feeling anxious, stressed, sad, disappointed, or all of the above. It’s a bit easier to cope with all of these big feelings when we have someone nearby to vent to, a therapy session scheduled for that afternoon, or a family member to call for…
The term “exvangelical” was coined in 2016 for folks who have walked away from the evangelical Christian religion. You might be an exvangelical if you feel a twinge of discomfort just seeing me refer to Christianity as a religion. I left the faith more than two decades ago, but that old trope still pops up…
Imagine being in a crisis, being brave and vulnerable enough to seek help, being persistent enough to actually connect with help, paying good money to access that help… only to find that the therapist you found doesn’t approve of who you are. This story recently surfaced about a young man named Caleb who was living…
If you’re considering Text Therapy among your approaches to better mental health, take a moment to read this article and consider what’s right for you.
We humans are independent thinkers… mostly. We have also evolved as social, tribal creatures, and we are hardwired to fit in with our group. We learn from the people around us – family, friends, classmates – whether we want to or not.
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