Bisexual people are everywhere. But it may not seem that way. Despite the ubiquity of bisexuality, we collectively tend to overlook its existence. And it’s easy to do that, because bisexuality often gets superficially erased. The pressure of compulsory heterosexuality (or comphet) is present for most of us beginning in early childhood, constantly pushing us toward forming straight-appearing relationships. And, realistically, partnering with an opposite-gender mate is just statistically easier. Furthermore, whether queer or not, most of us are guilty of assuming that people in a straight-presenting partnership are heterosexual. As a result, a lot of people seem straight who simply aren’t.
The reality is that bisexual folks exist in droves. Gallup poll data from 2024 indicates that more than half of queer folks in the US identify as bisexual. In the general population, they make up 5.2% of US adults, which is over 17 million people. There are more bisexual folks in the US than there are natural redheads! If you know at least 20 people, you likely know someone who is bisexual.
Am I Actually Bisexual?
What does it mean to be bisexual? The GLAAD Reference Guide defines it as
An adjective used to describe a person who has the potential to be physically, romantically, and/or emotionally attracted to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree.
It’s important to note that despite the “bi” in bisexual, it does not necessarily connote binary-opposite genders. It broadly means being attracted to more than one gender.
Here are some things that may indicate you’re bisexual:
- You’ve always felt a little different somehow when it comes to dating and sex
- You enjoy flirting with people of more than one gender
- You like the idea of kissing or engaging sexually with other people of your same gender, as well as those whom society expects you to date (This might seem obvious, but a surprising number of people have been surprised to find out that not everyone wants to make out with their friends)
- You feel drawn to queer stories even though you’ve lived your life in a very hetero manner
- Your celebrity crushes aren’t just one gender
- You’ve dismissed your own romantic or sexual attraction because you were able to date within conventional expectations
- You’re reading this article and asking yourself the question
Being bisexual does not require you to have practical romantic or sexual experience with people of multiple genders. If you’re a cis woman in a relationship with another cis woman, but you’re also sometimes attracted to men, you can identify as bisexual.
Why Am I Just Now Figuring Out I Am Bisexual?
If you were raised in a high-control religion, you may not recognize your own bisexuality until later in life. This is especially true if you were socialized as female in a purity culture environment. Sexual repression of any sort is so common in purity culture, so survivors are often wildly out of touch with their sexual desires and preferences. When we add in the tremendous pressure to marry a man and produce children, the idea of being attracted to (let alone partnering with) another woman doesn’t even register as an option. In these environments, “same-sex attraction” and related behaviors are often demonized and labeled as “sin.” So, even if you are consciously aware of your own attraction, there’s a good chance you have found it tremendously distressing, and have tried to avoid entertaining those thoughts and feelings at all costs.
Even if you didn’t experience fundamentalist or high-control religion, you may still have felt immense pressure to appear cis and straight because of family and cultural expectations. This is called compulsory heterosexuality (A.K.A. CompHet). We learn, before we can even put it into words, that cishet is the “right” way to be. (You can read more about this in my post about CompHet.) For bi folks, this means living as a straight person may be the easier, more logical option. Being heterosexual (or, at least appearing that way) doesn’t have to be explained or justified. It may not even be consciously chosen; rather, it’s simply the “normal” path.
If I’m Married and Monogamous, Does It Matter If I Am Bisexual?
This is subjective. If you’re reading this article, it probably means something to you.
In some ways, it may seem practically irrelevant. Your bisexuality may not be any more pertinent than if you were 100% hetero, because everyone, regardless of gender, is off-limits besides your spouse.
However, you may notice that you’re omitting a part of your true self in your day to day life. Are you mentioning to a friend when you think a guy is hot, but not when you see a beautiful femme person? Do you have fantasies about other men, but your partner has no idea? It takes a lot of energy to filter out these thoughts and feelings. That’s not to say you have to share them with everyone, but we usually benefit from being fully seen for who we are, at least by one or two people in our lives.
Should I Come Out As Bisexual?
Whether or not to come out is a personal, individual decision that no one can answer for you. If you are concerned about your safety, whether that’s physical, emotional, or financial, you may want to postpone coming out. It’s okay if you only tell one or two people, or live “out” in your friend circle but not in your family. It’s also okay if you make a massive announcement to everyone you know or create a social media post to reveal your bisexuality, even if your life doesn’t change much in a practical sense. You are the best judge of what is safe and healthy for your own life.
With that said, here are a few reasons (besides dating/sex) you may want to consider coming out as bi:
- You set an example and help make a safe world for your peers. When we live out, we increase the sense of safety and acceptance for others around us who might otherwise be hesitant to reveal their true selves.
- You set an example for your kids. Imagine how much easier being out would feel if you knew one of your parents was queer.
- You no longer have to hide or filter that part of yourself. You can speak freely about your thoughts and feelings in regards to attraction. You can talk about how it feels to have never explored that side of you, or, if you have, you can share that history with people close to you.
- You can connect with queer community. (Yes! You ARE queer enough. See below for more on this.) Maybe you’d like to volunteer at your local LGBTQ+ community center. Or participate in a Pride parade. Or check out a queer bar.
- You can explore that side of you in other ways. As a cis woman, you might like to read sapphic romance novels. As a bi man, you might watch movies or TV series that help you connect with the queer parts of yourself.
Am I Queer Enough If I Am Bisexual?
For those coming out in adulthood, it’s common to feel “not queer enough.” I see this with most of my clients who are coming out after high school, from ages 21 to 51 and beyond. This seems to happen whether they are queer, trans, gay, lesbian, nonbinary, bisexual – just about everyone. Often this hesitancy comes, at least partly, from a tremendous respect for other queer folks. No one wants to seem like they’re arrogant and entitled, just waltzing into an LGBTQIA+ space like they own the place. They understand the need for safe spaces, and they don’t want to make others feel threatened or disrespected. They’re also, on some level, concerned about looking like an outsider, and they’re fearful of rejection. They wonder if other queer folks will accept them, even if they “look” cis, straight, etc.
I want to assure you that as a bisexual person, you ARE queer enough. And if you’d like to find connection in queer community, you are allowed to do that. As we noted earlier, bisexual folks make up more than half of LGBTQIA+ folks in the US! You don’t just belong, you’re the majority.
Are you looking for a therapist who can help unpack these concerns and help you understand yourself better? Click here to schedule a consult call today.