Why Didn’t I Come Out As Trans Sooner?
This is clearly a personal question that only you can answer for yourself. It’s often posed as a rhetorical question. In reality, it’s usually more of a self-directed criticism (translation: “I should have come out sooner and I’m ashamed I didn’t”) or an expression of regret (“I wish I would have come out sooner and I’m sad I didn’t”).
But it’s worth considering the actual question. What are the reasons you didn’t come out sooner? Do you know? I encourage you to explore your own experience and history, from a place of compassion and curiosity. You can do this either on your own or with the aid of a qualified therapist. Below are some perspectives to consider, as you do.
I also want to say this – I am a cis therapist who works with trans folks (as well as others). I do not mean to cis-splain transness to trans folks. I am not speaking from first-hand experience, but rather as a second-hand witness to many trans folks’ experiences. I welcome any and all feedback from trans and gender-expansive folks.
With that said, here are some perspectives to consider.
It Used To Be Even Harder To Come Out
To say that it isn’t easy to be trans in today’s political climate is a major understatement. You are probably a lot like my trans clients who are just trying to live their mundane lives, while the political machine continues to make them a target.
But in some ways, it used to be even harder. Being transgender wasn’t even a thing in the popular consciousness. If you were a child in the 80s, 90s, or even the early 2000s, did you have any trans friends (that you knew of)? Can you imagine how your friends, teachers, parents, church leaders, piano teacher, etc. would have reacted if you voiced your feelings about your gender?
That’s not to imply that being trans is no big deal. Many trans folks, including trans kids and their parents, are living a devastating uphill battle every damn day.
But if you’re 25, 35, 45 years old, seeing today’s trans children or very young adults might trigger a wave of regret for not coming out in childhood or teen years. We have a tendency to judge our child and teen decisions through the lens of our fully-developed adult brain and present-day experiences. That can lead to self-blame and shame. But kids don’t have the same insight, maturity, or agency.
Or, as I like to say to my clients, in a Chandler-esque tone, have you been around any kids lately? Do they seem like they have the ability to take control of their own lives right now? Nope. Neither did you or I.
You maybe didn’t figure out who you were until later in life. Or, you had some idea, but didn’t know how to articulate or express it, or couldn’t safely do so. Regardless, it was not likely a viable option to be out, or to get the care you needed, a couple of decades ago. I hope that you can show yourself compassion around these regrets.
As A Child, You Only Knew About Boys and Girls
For much of your life, you were likely taught that gender and sex were the same thing, and there were only two options: male or female. Something inside you may have been telling you that you didn’t fit the category you’d been assigned. Maybe you don’t fit in either of these categories, or, you’ve felt like you belonged in the exact opposite one. Maybe you have intersex traits that were unknown, ignored, or surgically addressed before you could consent. There are so many ways to exist outside the gender binary. But no one told you about those options. How on earth can a young person identify this aspect of themselves without the language or the concepts?
Gender Conformity Was Compulsory
As a child, before you could sort out those thoughts and feelings, you were firmly directed to don the frilly dresses or the football uniforms. You received messages, both directly and indirectly, about who you were supposed to be. Maybe you were called names by your peers when you said you wanted to do crafts with the girls instead of playing soccer with the boys. Maybe you were told it’s “not ladylike” to wear trousers to church. Or you heard derogatory language about other people who didn’t conform to gender norms. You were evaluated, over and over again, by how well you could perform femininity or masculinity. You really didn’t have a choice.
Patriarchy Prefers A Clear Binary
There is a reason you were only taught the M/F binary. Our patriarchal system is built upon the notion that men and women are fundamentally different, with women, broadly speaking, in a subservient role. If we, as a society, permit free gender expression, trans medical care, the blurring of the gender binary, and the widening and multiplying of gender categories, the patriarchy is at risk.
This is a good thing, but the people benefitting most from the patriarchy often don’t think so. If we think of patriarchy as a game, it’s one that was built with just two “teams” in mind, and one of them, broadly speaking, is always winning (men). If the game suddenly has more teams, or people can “switch” teams, players who are winning may lose their edge. That works for me, and for most people I know, but men in power don’t like this. (This is one of many reasons why anti-trans sentiment and policy is a problem for cis women as well. I wrote about this over on my Substack.)
Being Transgender Wasn’t Yet A Mainstream Concept
As mentioned above, if you are over 30, you may not have even been familiar with the word or concept of being “transgender” (“nonbinary,” “genderqueer,” etc.) in any meaningful way until you were well into puberty. The idea of your parents, your school, and your community validating and supporting you if you said, “Wait a minute, I think I’m not a [boy/girl]!” was simply preposterous. You’d likely have been sent straight to the school psychologist, or worse – to “conversion” counseling.
It’s tough to imagine being a child or teen, dependent on your parents – and furthermore, wanting their approval, as all kids do – and then telling them with conviction that you’re a different gender than assigned.
As a point of reference, consider that here in San Diego, Rady Children’s (the regional children’s hospital with various satellite outpatient clinics, now merged with the Orange County children’s hospital as well) opened their gender clinic in 2012. And that’s in California. In other parts of the country or world, there are still no “gender clinics.” Also, before 2013, the DSM (the “bible” of psychology that lists and describes diagnoses and disorders) classified being transgender as a psychological disorder.
You Were (Maybe) Disconnected From Your Inner Self
On top of all of that social programming, you may have been part of a religious community or tradition that taught you to actively ignore your inner voice and to suppress the “desires of the flesh.”
Maybe you were trained to be on-guard against evil spiritual forces showing up inside us in the form of nonconforming thoughts, feelings, and desires. Or you may have been admonished to reject things “of the world” like music, fashion, and pop culture. And in fundamentalist or high-control situations, you learn to police your own thoughts and feelings under the seemingly-real threat of hellfire and eternal damnation.
So, with all of that, why on earth (or heaven) would you listen to the voice inside you – the voice that has been repeatedly demonized – when everyone and everything around is telling you that you are someone else?
This list is not exhaustive. But I hope it gives you a start toward showing yourself compassion and forgiving that kid who didn’t have the options.
If you’d like to explore therapy with Tara, schedule a free consult call today.