Some of us figure out who we are when we are well into adulthood. Others of us knew all along we were different, but didn’t feel we could come out sooner. Regardless of the reasons, let’s talk about why coming out in your 30s and 40s (or later) is so different from coming out in your teen or young adult years.
There’s More To Lose When Coming Out In Midlife
While there are risks involved with coming out at any age, a lot more of your life has been decided and developed once you’re in your 30s and beyond. You’ve built a lot, so there’s more to break.
Changes in relationships
Even when you know your cishet marriage does not work for you anymore, it can be painful on multiple levels to walk away from someone you’ve shared a life with. This can be further complicated and inflamed if your spouse doesn’t understand or approve of your sexuality. If you are coming out as your true gender, and going through transition, you may actually want to stay in your marriage, but your partner may not. My clients experience a fair amount of pain and grief from these break-ups, even when it’s ultimately what they want.
Changes in financial situation
If you’re divorcing, you may be looking at splitting assets. You may decide to sell your home and move, or sort out some alternate arrangement. You might be dividing retirement or investment accounts. You might be paying for an apartment all on your own, which can be a strain. But, most of the time, it’s not worth staying closeted or in an unhappy marriage for money’s sake.
Loss of privilege
Moving through a world in which you’re clocked as cisgender and heterosexual comes with advantages. When you walk around town with your new girlfriend, or start dressing in public the way that you feel best, you may notice you’re no longer flying under the radar. Depending on where you live, where you travel to, and who you interact with, you may experience overt hatred and bigotry, such as name calling, rude treatment, and risk of violence. You may also experience microaggressions, even from those who see themselves as allies.
Coming Out In Midlife May Affect Others
When you’re coming out in midlife, it will have ripple effects on people around you. Yes, it’s your life, and it’s your business, and you absolutely deserve to live as your authentic self. AND people are going to have feelings about it.
You might have children who will be impacted. But they will probably be okay.
You may be partnered with your child’s parent in a cishet relationship, and the end of that relationship will certainly mean changes for your kids. This can be navigated in a way that creates a positive outcome for your children, but you only have control over your own choices and not the behavior of your ex, and that can be tough. If you’re single, maybe you’re starting to date for the first time in a long time, or you’re dating a different type of person than you used to. Your kids will adjust, and if you’re happier and healthier being out, it’s probably in your kids’ best interest too.
Your family might have some opinions or feelings, but they’ll (probably) come around.
Family members can be very emotionally invested in the version of you that they are accustomed to, whether it was the true you or not. They may question your big news, or try to characterize it as a “midlife crisis.” Young people sometimes receive this kind of pushback, sure, but there’s usually more of an understanding that someone under the age of 25 is still figuring themselves out. If your family is religious, there may be extra friction if they believe being queer or trans is “sinful.” If you are coming out later in life after high-control religion, give this a read. This can be a bumpy transition, but many families come around to being supportive.
Your social circle may shift, but you’ve got new friends waiting for you out there.
My clients are sometimes blindsided by a loss of a friend, or of several, after coming out. While this can also happen with young folks, changes in social groups are also more expected. In your 30s and 40s, you may have an established group of friends or local network. If you’ve been in a long term relationship and you just ended it, your friends may have feelings and judgments, and they might create distance that you weren’t expecting. You may find out that someone relatively close to you is not as much of an ally as you thought. This can be so painful, especially during such a pivotal time in your life. It’s key to get support if this happens to you, to spend time with friends who do support and embrace you, and to seek out new friendships and find community.
Other Challenges To Coming Out In Midlife
Your professional relationships or career may be impacted. Some locales have protections in place.
You may be wondering how to have a potentially awkward conversation with your boss or coworker to announce, “Hey, so, I’m gay now!” or, “Wanted to bring you up to speed on my new name and pronouns!” Or you might work in a state that doesn’t have great protections for queer and trans folks. A therapist or a peer support person can help you figure out the best approaches to this conundrum. Depending on your location and your employer, your HR department might be helpful as well.
You may feel like you don’t belong in queer spaces… but you definitely do.
It’s common for my late-bloomer clients to question whether they belong in a LGBTQIA+ community environment. When you’ve spent your whole life presenting yourself as a cishet person, you might feel like you’re supposed to somehow earn your place in the queer world before you can go to a gay bar, or find a trans book club, or join a lesbian soccer team. But, you have every right to be in these spaces. It’s a good idea to observe the culture and expectations of any setting, and always be respectful. But many folks in these places were newly out at one time, too!
You might feel “behind” in the timeline of life. But you’re exactly where you need to be.
Finding yourself suddenly single and queer in midlife sometimes comes with a layer of self-judgment. “I should have figured this out when I was younger!” “My friends are so settled in their lives and I live alone in a studio apartment!” My trans clients often experience regret about not transitioning before puberty had done its work. This comes up even when they rationally know there was no way they would have realistically been able to transition at the time. You’re not alone if you experience these thoughts and feelings. You may have to grieve what could have been so that you can embrace where you are in your journey.
Is It Worth It To Come Out Later In Life?
Ultimately, only you can answer this for yourself, but I have yet to meet someone who regrets coming out. I have seen clients struggle and wrestle with the process, of course. Some folks stand in the doorway of the closet for a moment. Some go through a period of grief and distress. Ultimately, people are typically glad they came out, despite the challenges.
You’ll probably gain tremendous relief from coming out
Many folks have said that their only regret is not coming out sooner. It takes a lot of energy to hide who you truly are, and it can be a great relief to no longer carry that secret around with you. Your relationships can deepen, and you may feel more satisfaction in your connections with others. You may feel like everything is easier when you stop pretending.
Coming out as queer or trans doesn’t necessarily mean everything in your life will change.
Some people who come out in midlife stay with their partners because that still works for both of them. Some find that their family and friends already had a hunch about their queerness, so no one is shocked or upset, just glad you finally said it! Even if coming out doesn’t lead to practical changes in your life – for example, if you’d like to come out as bisexual but stay in your mixed-gender marriage – it may help you feel more seen by those close to you, or give you an opportunity to connect with queer community.
You likely have more power and control over your life than you did as a young person.
One of the benefits of coming out later in life is that you’re more likely to have financial independence, and marketable skills to find and maintain gainful employment. Your parents can’t tell you what to do anymore, and you get to choose who you keep in your life or how often you spend time with them. You don’t have to go to their church if you don’t want to. You have the option to move somewhere new, or explore different social communities. You can choose to see an affirming therapist. You can make your own decisions about medical treatment like HRT or antidepressant medications.
You’re probably going to meet some really cool people.
You’re likely to meet some great new people if you connect with community, and it’s a refreshing feeling getting to know someone new while being truly authentic. Consider joining a queer organization, such as a social club, a sports league, a volunteer org, or other group hobby or activity. You may meet a new love, or just make fabulous new friends. There is a wonderful queer world awaiting you on the other side of that closet threshold.
Ready to dive deeper with the help of a therapist who understands religious trauma, coming out later in life, and more? Schedule your consult call today.