I am all for using the new year as a fresh start. Since many of us have a little down time leading up to New Year’s Day, it’s a welcome chance to rest, reflect, and consider what we might like to accomplish in 2026.
What I don’t love is burdening ourselves with the expectation of massive change just because the number changes on the calendar. It’s hard enough to be a queer or trans person in this world, but then we push ourselves to do and be even more. We can get caught up in the fantasy that, finally, THIS will be the year that we fix our flaws, achieve our goals, and become the best version of ourselves. We create regimented diets (food “plans”) or a new nightly skin-improvement routine (butter skin goals!) and call it self-care. We create rigid budgets and savings goals and call it discipline. We commit to a daily journalling or meditation practice and say it’s for our mental health. And it’s going to change everything!
There’s a lot of relief and good-feels in the fantasy that THIS IS YOUR YEAR. The problem is that reality almost never lines up with the fantasy. Why?
- True change is rarely linear or consistent. The way we set up our new year’s resolutions is often very regimented. We plan for strict consistency or growth in an even, incremental fashion. We make goals like “I will work out 6 times a week for 60 minutes a day.” So, is that forever, no matter what? It’s pretty unrealistic.
- The first plan may not be the right one. Knowing what end result you want doesn’t mean you automatically know the best way to get it. Sometimes you need to learn and adapt in order to be successful. We don’t always see all of the challenges or obstacles ahead of us. Maybe you made a decision to put $1000 per month in your Roth IRA, but two months into the year you realize you failed to budget for something important. Or, life happens, and now you need a new car or have unexpected medical expenses. If you want to keep saving but still attend to your financial responsibilities, you’re probably going to have to change the plan. Flexibility is key.
- The results may not make you as happy as you hope. We often bet on a specific, big, highly-desired change to drastically improve how we feel about ourselves or our lives. We tell ourselves things like, if I lose 50lbs I’ll finally feel great. Or, if get that bonus this quarter, I’ll feel so much better about my finances. Or even, if I start my transition/HRT, or get that surgery, I’ll finally be so much happier. Then, when we achieve the goal, we can be disappointed that it doesn’t fix everything about how we feel. And that can be pretty depressing.
- Your intention and plan to change yourself may have roots in religious trauma. How’s that? Well, do you have an underlying belief that there is something deeply wrong with you that you must fix or purge? Do you feel intensely unworthy and carry the sense that you must correct your ways, or do certain things to make up for what you lack? Do you feel a constant drive to try to be closer and closer to perfect, even if you know you can never get there? If you grew up in (or once belonged to) a fundamentalist or high-control religious environment (and especially if you’re queer and received lots of messaging that LGBTQ+ = BAD), religious trauma might be the culprit. If that’s the case, all the goal-setting in the world won’t heal what’s hurting.
Instead, consider beginning with one of my favorite year-end personal growth activities: to look backward. We are all so good at setting goals and aiming higher, and always looking to the next level. Do you ever pause to reflect on what you’ve already accomplished, how you’ve grown, or how far you’ve come?
- Think about this time last year and what you were hoping for yourself. Did you achieve any of your goals or dreams? Did you travel somewhere great, or come out to your family, or change jobs?
- Consider the challenges you’ve faced over this last year, especially the unexpected ones. Can you give yourself credit for making it through? Did you do it in a way that you can feel proud of?
- Name the ways you’ve been helpful to others or been meaningful in someone else’s life.
- Did you start going to therapy? It’s a big step just to start, and not everyone does it. Maybe your whole world hasn’t changed, but you’re laying the foundation or starting the work.
- Do you understand yourself in a different way than you did a year ago? Have you learned about your strengths, the impact of your trauma, or your neurodivergence? Do you understand your sexuality or gender in a way that you previously did not?
- Are there habits or changes you’ve maintained throughout the year? Maintenance is boring, but it’s often just as challenging as the actual change. Not everyone does it.
- Are there things you didn’t do, and avoiding them spared you some regret? Not punching that one guy in the face? Not breaking your sobriety? Not hooking up with that super hot person that you knew was trouble? Give yourself a little pat on the back.
- Think about yourself five (or two) years ago and pause to imagine what that person would feel or say about how far you’ve come.
This is a great way to preface any goal-setting or intentions for 2026, because we then start from a place of strength, as well as our reality. We get to look at our capabilities based on evidence. We see the non-linear progression in the changes we have made. We get a clear sense of what it takes, in terms of time, energy, attention, etc., to make big changes.
As so often also happens in my therapy practice, we are bringing things to a place of self-compassion. Taking a look at ourselves with nonjudgmental curiosity can help us grow. If you can set your intentions and resolutions from a place of kindness and mindfulness, you’ll actually be much more likely to achieve them.
Happy 2026! I hope you’ll give yourself the credit you deserve for last year, and gently set kind expectations for yourself moving forward.